Today i went to the beach and the sea always gives me a feeling. This time i can´t really say if it was a good or a bad feeling, it was just a feeling. I don´t really believe that feelings are always good or bad and most of the times i can´t really describe them as good or bad and today it was one of those feelings. It was a feeling that makes my heart heavy and it´s difficult to breathe, like when you want to tell someone something but you don´t know how and the words don´t come out. It´s like when you feel happy and also sad at the same time. I guess it´s something typical for me because i have a problem with letting things go. I am not aware of them, i think they´re gone and then one day i feel something heavy inside and realise that certain something is still wandering around inside of me.
I am not a person that keeps things in a box, memories or material things. I don´t like to think about the past and i don´t keep many old things. I keep my feelings. Those are my photos, my letters, my presents, whatever. It doesn´t mean i don´t have photos or letters or some other material thing to remind of something good from the past, but they are not as strong as my feelings.
So as i smelled the ocean and saw the waves crashing on the beach i felt things, feelings coming back, i began to wander through my past and thinking about my future and what i want from it. And what we want is not always what we have. But there are also times we don´t actually know what we want do we? So we use time, we wait or we try to figure out what we want and a way to get there. We use time and it uses us back. When time uses us it´s not a good sign. We get tired because we don´t get what we want, we can´t figure out what we need and what really matters. But we can use time too and get the best out of it. I want to stay positive and believe these feelings can be of good use. I can only hope and in the meanwhile use time in my favour.
